Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Scientology Warning! OT Level 7 may turn your sperm Chinese!

“Hello, Mr. Cruise? This is Dr. Rolando from the sperm bank. Seems there’s been a bit of a mix-up.”

“What do you mean ’mix-up’?”

“You said you wanted a donor with exceptional intelligence, good health, and all that, right? Well you can rest assured our donor holds a PhD from MIT and is in perfect physical condition. But the thing is… “

“Will you get to the point? I’ve got Thetan auditing in 10 minutes. Crazy Xenu demons are killing me.”

“The thing is, when you said you wanted a Caucasian donor, well… we sort of skipped over that first part."

"Which part?"

The ‘c-a-u-c’ part. Simple clerical error, really.”

“Just what are you trying to say?”

Don't let the blue-gray eyes foool you. I’ve seen kids less Asian-looking pulling rickshaws through Tiananmen Square. Apparently the Cruises patronize the same “children who look nothing like their adoptive parents” black market baby ring where Michael Jackson gets all his golden-haired technical incest victims. I guess growing up in the lap of luxury is a better way to spend one’s childhood than stitching together knock-off Gucci bags in some Chinese government-run sweatshop, but considering poor Suri’s going to have to listen to round-eye daddy drooling out non-sequiturs about how modern psychiatry invites infestation by invisible space squids I’d say just barely.


Tenspeed Brownnose said...

Hey, Ronnie,

Wow! Another great post from the king of the insiders!

I can't wait for you to write more about professional screenwriting because we all stand to learn a lot from you!

I'm so goshdarned proud that we're peers!

Surrogate Mom said...

I loved this post. Ha ha ha ha. Yes, I think there was a mixup.